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「友だち」の定義

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 以前から私は、DSM-IVの「アスペルガー症候群」の診断基準には偏りがあるように感じていました。例えば、
 「人と社会的・感情的なやりとりを交わす能力に欠ける」
 というのは、アスペルガーを持つ人たちの状況を必ずしも適切に言い表していないと思うのです。

 ギルバーグの診断基準にも「友達と相互に関わる能力・意欲に欠ける」という一文があるのですが、それもちょっと違うだろう、と個人的には思います。多くは他者と友達になりたい気持ちも、親しく関わりたい気持ちもそれなりに持っているけれど、実際どう関わっていいか分からず、人と関わることにとまどいや不安・緊張を抱いているのですから。

 人に好かれたい、認められたい気持ちはみな同じだけど、おそらく定型発達の人たちから見て、アスピィ(アスペルガー当事者の事をそう呼ぶことがあるらしい)は多分不器用で、ちょっとややこしく見えるのではないかと、時々そんな風に感じます。他者に対する共感についても、乏しい人ばかりではありませんし、相手の立場をある程度考えて行動することができる(けど対応の仕方は合ってない)人もたくさんいるのです。

 こうやって考えると、アスペルガー症候群についてはまだ多くの誤解があるような気がします。

 「友達がいない」という悩みは、実際によく耳にします。しかし丁寧に訳を聞いていくと、全くいないわけではないことが多いです。年賀状をやりとりしたり、たまにメールや電話で連絡を取り合う人が少なからずいるのに、普段一緒に行動を共にすることが滅多にないから、友達とは呼べないと思いこんでいる人も、時々いるようです。

 また、過去にいじめられた経験があって、人付き合いにことさら慎重になっていると、相手は好意をもって仲良くなろうとしているのに、こちら側がそれを受け入れられないということもあります。そういう場合、「友達がいない」との言葉の裏に、「信頼できる人がいない」という意味が含まれているのかなと感じます。

 さて、私も10年以上、「友達」の定義でずっと悩み続けた経験があります。

 ぴょろが生まれる前に知り合った人と、お互いの子どもの誕生日が近いこともあり、ずっと長く家族ぐるみでおつきあいをしていました。その人といっしょにあるサークルのクリスマス会に招かれた席でのことです。

 何家族か集まっていて、お互いをよく知らない人もいたので自己紹介をすることになりました。「家族は何人か」「好きな食べ物は何か」とかお決まりの話の他に、「(その日集まっていた人たちの)誰と友達か」という、今考えるとヘンな質問がありました。

 皆ひととおり自己紹介を終わり、彼女の番になったときに「この中の誰と友達ですか」と聞かれて彼女は何人かの名前を挙げたのですが、最後まで私の名は出てこなかったのです。

 私にはちょっとしたショックなできごとでした。家も近く、子どものこともあって割とよく話もしたし、それなりに付き合いもあって、私はその人を友達だと思っていたのに、彼女にとってはそうではなかったのだな…と。そのときに私は、「こちらが友達だと思っていても、相手は必ずしもそう思っていないことがある」と学習しただけでなく、「それなら私が一方的に友達だと思うのは失礼なことではないか」と、それ以後しばらく人付き合いに慎重にならざるを得なくなりました。

 それから十数年、ぴょろの学校や部活の保護者会、大学院や仕事など、いろいろな場所で出会いはあって、それなりに気が合いそうな人も何人もいたのですが、このときのことが頭から離れず、多分この人たちにももっと親しい友達はいるのだろうな、と思うと自分からは踏み込めず、人とつきあうこと自体がおっくうになってしまっていました。

 関西に移った当初、まだ新しい環境になじめなかった頃、私を気遣って何度かメールや連絡をくれた人はいたのですが、私は自分が悩んでいることは誰にも話せませんでした。友達がいない、とその頃は思っていたので、不安と寂しさでやりきれなくなることが何度もありました。

 その後、仕事を通してある同業者の女性と知り合いになりました。彼女はクリニックの非常勤のカウンセラーで、大学の学生相談に長く関わっていて発達障害のことをよく知っていました。お互いの専門性が似ているということで話が合い、お昼休みに一緒に弁当を食べたり空き時間にちょくちょく話すようになりました。

 そのうちぽつぽつ、仕事の事だけでなく互いの家庭のことなども話すようになり、何となく親しくなりました。関西に来て始めて知り合った、貴重な仲間だったのですが、私はこの人の事も以前のことがまだひっかかっていて友達と呼ぶには抵抗がありました。もともと明るい性格の人で、交際範囲も広いので多分私は友達の範疇には入っていないだろうな、と勝手に思いこんでいたのです。

 昨日、仕事に来ていた彼女と話していて、「実は私は”友達”の定義が分からない」と、10数年前の事を始めてうちあけました。全く人付き合いをしないわけではないが、友達と呼べる人は多分いないと思っているのだと話すと、

 「ええ〜?!じゃあ私の存在は何なのよ?私は友達と思ってんのに」…と何を言っているのこの人は?…という表情で切り替えされました。

 「あのね、普段から仲いい人も、普段はお互い忙しいからやりとりできへんけど何かあれば連絡取り合う人も、みんなひっくるめて友達と思ってんのよ。Sanaさんは、そこをはっきり分けて考えたいんやな」と、それを聞いてちょっぴりほっとしました。この人、分かってくれてんのやなあ、と。

 その時ちょっと考えてみて、もしかしたら私の事を友達と思ってくれていた人は他にもいたかもしれないな、と気がつきました。こちらがあまり慎重になりすぎて、近寄りきれなかったのが残念な気がしました。

 どちらかが無理をしなければ付き合えない関係は、確かに友達とは呼びにくいかもしれません。でも、何となく気があって無理をせずに付き合えて、多少心を開ける関係があれば、それは十分友達と言えるのだと、やっと理解できた気がしました。友達とは、時間も空間も越えられる関係なのだと、そんな風にも思いました。

 このようにものごとを何かと難しく考えてしまうのが、私のアスペたる部分なのですが、どこまでを友達と呼べるのか、友達って何なのか、私と同じように悩んでいる人はもしかしたら案外多いのではないかと思う次第です。


 

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Comments

わたしもたまに分からなくなりますよ。
考え込みがちな人ならあることのような気もします。

ところで、ICDにはアスペルガーの項目はないのでしょうか。
買おうかと思いつつ、後回しになっています。

Posted by: chiruru | 2007.01.21 07:58 AM

はじめまして。
アスペルガーとADHDの記事を読ませていただき、大変解りやすく、Senaさんの実生活に基づくエピソードなど、とても理解できました。
『友達の定義』もまたSenaさんのお気持ちが痛いほど伝わってきました。
私にはこんなエピソードもあります。長年おつきあいさせていただいていた友達がおりました。ただ年賀状のやりとりだけで続いたような、だけど魅力的で近よりがたいオーラのある方で、てっきり私のことなど『友達』の対象ではないなと思っていました。
私が悩んでいた頃、彼女は近づいてきました。私は自分の悩みを吐き出しました。すると彼女も私に自分が抱えていた悩みを告白してくれました。お互い、急激に距離が縮まった瞬間でした。
私は彼女に同じ匂いを感じるのです。
そんなある日、彼女から聞かれたのです。「私はあなたの友達の何番目?」と。正直びっくりしましたが、彼女は私を独り占めしたかったのかな?と思いました。「今は1番目だょ」と私はとっさに答えました。
このように純粋でまっすぐな彼女が大好きです。私も、友達と付き合うときに「一体私はこの人の中で何番目位に位置してるのだろう?」などと密かに思ってる自分がいます。いつも1番狙いであったけど、5~6番目位(私の希望的観測ではですが…)にランクを下げたら気楽につき合えるようになりました。これからも日記を楽しみにしてます。

Posted by: コロ | 2007.01.21 02:43 PM

私もある時期まで、友達は親友1人だけだとおもっていました。が、実はそれは自分がそう思っていただけで、周りの人は友達だと思っているっていうか、友達じゃないの?って状態でした(^_^;)

それは自分がなんたるかが一番わからなくて、どうしていいかわからない時期で心を閉ざしていた時期でした。

しかし自分という者の輪郭が見えてきたら。自分で自分を受け入れる事ができて、その後はすっかり自由人です(〃TーT〃)うん

私も友達って定義に白黒付けたかったのですが、今は友人と名前を買えて知り合い全部を友人ということにしてます(^^ゞ

Posted by: loveangel | 2007.01.21 06:10 PM

chiruruさん、
 ICD-10にもアスペルガー症候群の診断項目があります。
DSM-IVと若干の違いはありますが、参考にはなります。

コロさん、
 コメントありがとうございます。
 友達の番付というアイデアは私にはありませんでしたが、なるほどと思いながら読ませていただきました。

loveangelさん、
>自分がなんたるかが一番わからなくて、どうしていいかわからない時期で心を閉ざしていた時期でした。
…多分私は今、そういう時期なのでしょうね。
 もう少し気持ちが楽になると違った見方ができるかなと思います。 

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