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人生は気づいたときからやり直せる

 配偶者との離婚は、私にとってはかなりのストレスでしたが、中でも調停は最もエネルギーを消費したように思います。

 離婚後、それなりに穏やかな生活はできているものの、今でも相手の事を思い出して怒りがこみあげてくることがたまにあり、鏡に映る自分の疲れた顔を見ていると、まだ十分に立ち直れてはいないのだなと思い知らされます。

 元配偶者のことではいろいろな人が巻き込まれ、皆の中に多少なりとも嫌な思いが残っただろうと思います。失ったものの中には、多分取り戻せないであろう、元配偶者以外との人間関係も含まれています。

 私ははじめから、弁護士を通して話し合いでの離婚を望んでいました。しかし元配偶者はそれをせずにいきなり調停に申し立てて、私が離婚に応じないなら審判も辞さないという強硬姿勢を崩しませんでした。「私(Sana)が勝手に子どもを連れて出て行って、妻としての義務を果たさなかった」というのが離婚の主な理由に挙げられていました。

 事実とは違うことなので、反論しようと思えばできたのですが、私はそれはしませんでした。また自分の正しさを主張するのも賢明でないと思ったし、感情的になれば相手の思うつぼだと思ったので、必要以外のことは何も言いませんでした。ただ毅然と言うべき事をいい、引くべき時に身を引く、それだけでした。

 私は調停で自分がいかに善良な夫、よい父親であるかを必死でアピールする元配偶者の姿を見て…確かに彼にも良い面はあるし、父親としてよくやってくれた事は認めるけれど…自分をよく見せようとすることがばかばかしくなりました。他人に理解され受け入れられるために、そこまでやらなければならないのだろうか、とも感じました。

 果たされなかった多くの約束より、相手を傷つける言動より何より、もう嘘は嫌だ、と本気で思いました。自分にも他人にも正直でいることが一番大切なことだと、このときにはっきりと悟りました。誰かを悪者にして自分の善良さを証明することなんて、何の利益にもならないと思いました。

 それまでの私は、相手に気に入られようと自分を偽り、無理にいい人を演じていたところが大いにありました。そうすれば、他人は私を受け入れてくれるだろうと思っていたからです。元配偶者を見て、それは逆に自分を苦しめ、相手を傷つける行為だと始めて理解しました。過去、私には人間関係において、多くの過ちも失敗もおかし、決してよい人間ではありませんでした。しかしそのことに随分長く気づかず、現実のそのありのままを見てはいませんでした。

 そのとき元配偶者もまた、自分自身が何をやっているのか本当には分かっていないのだろうと感じました。それならば相手をただそのままにしておくことが、私にできる最善のことだと思いました。

 私はこの経験のあと、しばらくの間、深く自らを反省しました。
 私はできる限り、誰に対しても正直で誠実でいようと思いました。
 人に優しくすれば自分も優しくされる、という考えは捨てました。自分にも人にも優しい人間でいようと思いました。

 この一連のできごとから、「人生は今日、気づいたときからやり直せる」ことも学びました。もう絶対に後戻りはしたくないので、小さなことに喜び、感謝する心を持ち、ありのままを生きていく…そう自分に繰り返し問いかける毎日です。

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

こんにちは。なんとなくふらふらしているうちにたどり着き、昼ごろから、このブログの一番初めから読み直していました。少々目が疲れてきたので、「お気に入りに」登録して後でまた読ませていただこうと思い、フト、今日のところに目を留めました。『離婚』の文字を見つけ、まだ、あまり良く存じ上げていないsanaさんなのに胸が一杯になってしまいました。去年の夏、機会があり、自閉症児、アスペルガー症候群、もしくはボーダーといわれる子供達の合宿のお手伝いを経験し、自分に似たところのあるこの子達のことを通じて、謎だった自分を知る手がかりが掴めたような気がしました。これから、少しずつ読ませていただきます。

Posted by: okimuff | 2007.01.24 at 04:20 PM

私も自分ってこんなか~とわかってきたら随分楽になりました。
sanaさんと違い私は出来損ないの人間なので、自分の小ささを認めるのが一番大変な作業です。昨日も自分の判断があっているのか、間違っているのか、ただの傲慢なのか、それとも正しいのか、、まさに混乱です。

その時浮かんだのは、、

信じる道をゆきなさい、、それが正しい道だから、、

根拠なんてありませんが、人生はやり直しがきくものだから、、、今は信じる道を行きたいです(〃TーT〃)うん

またまた関係なかったらゴメンナサイm(__)m

Posted by: loveangel | 2007.01.25 at 09:52 PM

sanaさんの『人生は気づいたときからやり直せる』この言葉に胸がスッと軽くなった気がします。
私もsanaさんと物事の考え方が似ているところがあり、私生活ではケースが違えども「自己正当」のために私が道具につかわれたと解釈せざるを得ない辛い思いをしました。
今、食欲が無く、意に反して体重が激減してしまいました。
なんとかさねば。。

ここのカウンセラー日記は見失いそうになる自分を取り戻すのに私にはとてもホッとできる場所です。

Posted by: コロ | 2007.01.27 at 09:23 AM

okimuffさん、loveangelさん、コロさん、
 ありがとうございます。
 みなさまのお言葉、ありがたく読ませていただきました。
私自身が時々めげそうになってしまっているのですが、気を取り直してがんばりますので、これからもよろしくお願いします。

Posted by: Sana | 2007.01.28 at 11:18 PM

お書きになっていらっしゃること、よく分かります。
テキトーにがんばってください。
応援しております。

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Posted by: djnnyivmmj | 2007.10.23 at 03:34 AM

結婚26年目の49歳の主婦です。
夫も同じ年齢です。

最近になって夫がアスペルガーではないかと気付き、
26年も生活を共にして何も心の絆を築くことができなかったのは
そのせいであると、色々なことを思い起こしてわかってきました。

間違って覚えた言葉を使ってふんぞり返っていかにもわかったように他人に話し、
そのくせ男としてするべきことは何一つ自分一人ではできません。
どうすればいいのかわからないといった感じです。
簡単な漢字の読み書きもできず、文章も理解できず、向上心は皆無で
会話での言外の真意なども理解できません。

心の絆がまったく持てなかった挙句にアスペルガーを疑い始めた私は、
ごく穏やかに年月を過ごしてきた夫婦であるにもかかわらず
長年の伴侶に対しての「情」というものを持つこともできず
「最初からわかっていればこんな障害者と結婚などしなかった」と
暗闇をさまようような脱力の日々を過ごしています。

今後も心の交流など持てる見込みのない夫との離婚理由として
アスペルガーは認められるのでしょうか?
(もちろん、アスペルガーだと診断してもらう必要はあるでしょうが)

Posted by: 通りすがりの主婦 | 2007.12.13 at 04:07 AM

同じく 夫がアスペだと 結婚7年目で気がつきました。アスペだと知っていれば 結婚していなかった。でも 子供もいるし。。。毎日暗闇の中を手探りしながら さまよっています。夫は 私に嫌われたことに 腹をたて、家を出てしまいました。アスペと知っていれば 腹を立てたり 見下すこともなかったのに。。。。 つらいです。夫をサポートしながら生きていくか。それとも このまま離婚するか、、、。夫の家族は誰も夫がアスペとは気づいていない感じです。夫を育てた義父もまた アスペです。とても複雑で説明しきれませんが、どなたか 配偶者がASの方と 交流をもちたいです。助けてください。

Posted by: ドウドウ | 2008.01.16 at 09:29 PM

つい数日前、アスペルガーっぽいなあと気づいた者です。最初は、高次脳かなと思ったんですけど、アスペルガーも該当するなと思って。とても参考になりました。

>ドウドウさん

mixiって知ってますか?
mixiに、アスペルガーの人たちが集まるコミュニティーがあって、今現在で約1800人の人が参加してます。そこなら、配偶者がアスペの人と交流が持てるかと思います。

Posted by: 通りすがり | 2008.01.29 at 02:37 AM

はじめまして。まさしく私も30年間わからない違和感、なぜだろう??な生活でした。仕事人間だったので、家に殆どいなかったので、30年もたってしまいました。最近、色々な人との出会いから気がつき、離婚を考えて別居してます。これから、自分の感情と向き合い、まるで、自分の人生は。・・と嫌まだまだ、これから自分らしくと・・感情が追い付いていません。戦うにも分かってもらおうと、相談しても、私の方がおかしいのでは?とか2次的に心の傷になっていってます。ブログを読ませて頂いてよかった。でも、離婚が成立した後のふわふわした気持ちと言うのに、私もうなってるのに、この先すすめるのでしょうか?

Posted by: omi | 2009.07.15 at 01:38 AM

私も結婚11年目で夫の浮気をきっかけに彼のアスペに気づきました。そう考えたら今までの全ての疑問が解け,彼をかわいそうにすら思えました。でも私たち二人の問題だけなら私の理解と努力で続くかもしれないけど、イノシシのような相手の女性にもっていかれそうで今は静かにその時が来るのを待っている辛い状況です。ブログでADHDはアスペに安心感を与え,相性が良いと有るのを見て正にそんな感じの私たちだと思いました。でも、やっぱりだめなんだろうなあ・・・最近は10年分の感謝を込めて母親ごっこみたいな生活をしています。

Posted by: akiko | 2009.11.07 at 03:02 PM

私のパートナーもアスペルガーです。
20年近くの付き合いです。
アスペルガーという障害を知ったのは5~6年前でしょうか、テレビの特集でその存在を知りました。
今までの、なんで?なんで?なんで・・・・・
が、わかっていくような、開かれたような閉ざされたような、これか・・という心境。
強い衝撃やショックは受けませんでした。

Sanaさんの過去の記事を読ませて頂いていて、赤線を引きながら読みたいと思うところがたくさんありました。
しばらく目が離せなくなるような言葉も。

やはり男女の関係では難しい障害なのでしょうか。
親が子供を思う感情にはなれません。
ここ数年無気力で何事にも関心が持てなくなってきています。

Posted by: torenia | 2009.11.17 at 03:00 AM

私の後にもまだ書き込み続いてますね。実はsanaさんが行かれていた姫路のH先生の所に私は全く偶然に通い始めていたのでした。この広い日本の中でなんという奇跡!!(しかも夫の浮気相手の愛称もsana!?
)でも今は常勤でどこか別の病院に勤めていらっしゃるのですよね?先生にお聞きしましたが個人情報は教えられないとのことで・・・カウンセリングでお金を払ってでもお会いしたかったです。アスペルガー疑惑の夫が彼女と私の両方で二重生活ができているつもりで普通に帰って来るので(証拠ばらまきながらだから、ばれてるのに気づかない,認めない)今はまだ別居すらできていませんが、sanaさんのおかげでたいへん勉強になりふっきることができそうです。この場をお借りしてお礼申し上げます。ありがとうございました。

Posted by: akiko | 2009.11.21 at 08:39 PM

あさってから別居です。修学旅行の準備のような気分で荷物を少しずつ運んでいく夫。感情が薄いのだそうです。どうにもなりませんでした。

Posted by: akiko | 2009.12.20 at 01:40 PM

私51歳にして始めて自分がアスペルガーだと気づきました
息子も今年社会人になって仕事が全く覚えられないのでカウンセリングに相談したらそうだと言われました。遺伝です。
ここの相談は配偶者がとか恋人がとか 相手の方がアスペですよね。あれこれ読ませていただいて別れたいとか、精神がボロボロだとか書いてますが私は当事者です。それを思えば、うちの主人25年間も忍耐で耐えてくれていたんですね。w 私は沈黙が苦手なので口うるさいです。相手の非難はお構いなしにしてしまいます。黙っていられないのです。主人との口げんかは日常茶飯事です。よくぞまぁ 離婚も考えずにここまで耐えてくれたと思うとありがたいし・・・自分のかたよった考え方を直すことが出来ないのなら せめて状況を見守って寡黙でいようと思います。自覚をもって。。。

Posted by: すみれ | 2010.07.11 at 09:08 AM

夫がAS&ADHDの診断を受けたものです。
きっかけは主人の不倫ですが通常の常識を逸脱するような女性との関係に相手のASを疑うとともにお互いセックス依存性では?と考えています。
それにこの非常識な夫をかばうASの義両親と主人との共依存関係、主人には多少の情と憐れみがありますが修復は不可能かと悩んでいます。
子供達もうまくコミュニケーションを取れない父親に疲れてしまい別居している今、とてものびのび暮らしています。
離婚を望んでいながら一方で主人も「人生は気づいたときからやり直せる」のだろうか?と思う自分をもてあましています。


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