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今思うこと

 職場の忘年会で、「今年一年を振り返って」というお題で、一人ずつ話すことになりました。
 その場で何とか考えてみたものの、いろいろありすぎて何とまとめて良いか分からず、忘年会の席ではうまく話ができませんでした。

 いま改めて振り返るに、多分去年と今では、私の内面も私をとりまく環境も、予想以上に変わってしまった気がします。

 この1年の間に、
 全く住んだことのない関西に引っ越し、
 母は軽度の認知障害で入院し、
 配偶者からの申し立てで調停離婚となり、
 ぴょろが思春期の難しい時期に入り不登校気味となり、
 いろんなことが次々と起きました。

 だけど思ったよりも混乱せず、今はしごくおだやかに過ごしています。

 なぜかというと…
 母親に認知障害が起きたことで、周囲がやっと彼女の発達や人格の問題に気づき、長年の侵入的な関係に終止符が打たれたから。
 配偶者の申し立ては、内容はひどいものでしたがそのことが離婚を逆にスムースにしてくれたから。
 ぴょろのことは、登校渋りがきっかけで本人に発達障害の告知ができ、京大病院で診断をうけるめどが立ったから。
 そして関西に移ったことで、師匠と再会し新しい仲間ができたから。

 一番辛かった時期に、ふと思ったのです。
 母親の病気は私を逆に自由にしてくれたのではないだろうか。
 配偶者やそれに関わる関係は、失ったのではなく手放すべきものだったのではないか。
 ぴょろは自分を知る時期が来ているのであって、彼の成長を喜んでいいのではないか。

 そのときつらさはなくなり、すーっと楽になりました。
 大変なこともあったけど、長い目で見てよいこともある、そう考えはじめて心おだやかに過ごせる時間が増えたのです。

 そこまでには、毎日瞑想したり、師匠から治療を受けたり、現状を受け入れるためにそれなりに努力したこともあります。

 その過程で、人は一人では生きていけないのではなく、一人では生きていないということに気づきました。
 周りに誰もいないのではなく、見えていないときがあること、
 そしてつながっていないようで、人は常に人とつながっているということ。
 それが、この一年を通して得た、最大の収穫です。

 
 

 

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Comments

本当に失礼な事を言ってしまうかもしれませんが、私がsanaさんがブログを再開されてまず感じた事は、離婚されたんだな、、ときっと息子さんがたいへんだろうな、、と思いました。それは直感的に思ったことなので、ご苦労されているに違いないと勝手に心配していました(〃TーT〃)うん

私もsanaさんではありませんが、この1年ブログに書いていない、大変な事が、山のようにあり人生の中で一番変化の会った一年です。辛いと思ったららきっと耐える事が出来なかったと思います。

これ全部糧にしてやる~と貪欲に一年を歩きました、矢も飛んでくるし、と手膳前から大きな岩が転がってくるし、もうだめか~とおもうと必ずダメではありませんでした。そんな大変なのに安らかな気持ちをもてた事に今感謝しています。

Give thanks to the LORD.for he is good.his love endures forever.

これは主人が肺がんに違いないと思ったときに浮かんだ言葉です。浮かんだ瞬間に彼は死なないと思いました。

こんな感じの一年でした(〃TーT〃)うん

これからもよろしくお願いいたしますm(__)m

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告知する意味、でしたか。そこまでのすべてを印刷させていただき、何度も何度も熟読させていただきました。久々に訪ねたら、更新されていてとてもうれしく思いました。人生が徐々に次の展開へと移っておられることに、大きな感慨を覚えます。sanaさんのこのブログを大きな支えに、今私自身が、そして娘が、発達障害の診断へとステップを踏みつつあることを思います。娘は、なんと37歳、私は56歳です。それでも、私までも診断を受けようと思ったのは、人生をきちんと見つめなおしたいゆえです。さまざまな困難、トラブルが、どんな根本的な違いゆえに、人々との間で起き続けてきたのか、それをも含めて、後半生へと臨みたい、娘の余りにも困難になってしまった人生へと手を差し伸べたいと思うからです。発達障害とトラウマとの関連を書かれているところ、あらためて娘のことを思いました。
それから、今、ある地方で診断に向けて動き始めていますが、軽度であるだろうこと、余りにも年を経て、軽減してしまっていることがあること、などから、私の診断に関してはかなり困難なのではないか、ということを案じています。一回の心理テストのようなものと、二、三回の面談でめぼしをつけるようなことを、昨日確かめ、私の56年の人生の困難さが、そんなに簡単に決着をつけられてしまうとしたら、どうしたものだろうか、と思い始めています。
sanaさんが関西にいらっしゃるとしたら、いつかきっとお会いしたい、そして私も、シングルマザーの先輩としても、お力になりたい、そんな思いに駆られています。まずは、現在の医療機関での推移にゆだねつつ、また、お便りさせていただきます。
友達、に関する定義にも、心から共感しました。そして、精読した数々の貴重なお言葉から、数え切れないほどのヒントと示唆と知識と経験の奥行きを、読み取らせていただいたこともお伝えしたいと思います。
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