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最後まで奪えないもの

 配偶者が、経済的な締め付けをするようになりました。

 やむを得ない理由もなく、銀行口座の解約を強要しています。
生活費がきちんと支払われていることを確かめる術もありません。
一度は支払うと言ったはずの、大学院後期の授業料の支払いも拒否しています。

 生活費がきちんと支払われないと、ぴょろと2人生活していく上で様々な支障が出ます。

 今の私の体調と仕事のスケジュールでこれ以上仕事を増やすのは不可能です。体力的にも、ぴょろを育てる責任を果たすためにも、今がぎりぎりの状態です。

 授業料が支払われないと、あと半年残して卒業することができなくなります。

 これまで何年もかけて取り組んできた研究も、もう少しでやっと形になりそうなところまできていますが、これも続けることが難しくなるでしょう。

 今の配偶者には、どのような言葉も届きません。ただ一つのことしか頭にありません。

 非常に多くの人間が、同じ間違いを犯しています。力づくで自分の欲望や利己的な目標を果たそうと必死になっています。

 他人を支配しコントロールすることは、未熟な人間に一時的な快感と万能感をもたらします。よほどの自制心がない限り、人はより強い力を求めて道を踏み誤ってしまいます。自分に力を集めようとすればするほど、他人からいろんなものを奪っていくのです。

 しかし、たとえどのような強制力を持ってしても、たった一つ最後まで奪えないものがあります。

 私がどう振る舞うかは、私が決めることです。

 私は無力ではありません。

 そして私は、人を援助することにおいて決して妥協はしません。


 

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Comments

Sanaさん、私のSanaさんへの想い、届いていますか?
この状況を知り、とても苦しく、悲しいです。
何と言葉をかけて良いのか、わかりません。
ただ言えるのは、Sanaさんの存在に勇気づけられている
私のような人間がいる、ということです。
大学院が無事、修了できますように。
Sanaさんの心と、意思が護られますように。

Posted by: メラニー | 2005.08.29 at 11:32 PM

Sanaさん、お久しぶりです。そうです!Sanaさんは無力じゃありません。あなたに救われているブログの読者みんなが応援してると思います。以前私はSanaさんと同じ状況になり離婚しました。離婚を勧めているわけではありませんが、なんとしても、自分と子供の安心できる状況を取り戻してください!心からそう願っています。

Posted by: ジャスミン | 2005.08.31 at 11:38 PM

 みなさま、コメントやメールをありがとうございました。この場を借りて、お礼を申し上げます。
お返事ができず心苦しく思いますが、皆さんのお気持ちにはとても感謝しています。

 これからもよろしくお願いします。


Posted by: Sana | 2005.09.03 at 11:04 AM

>他人を支配しコントロールすることは、未熟な人間に一時的な快感と万能感をもたらします。よほどの自制心がない限り、人はより強い力を求めて道を踏み誤ってしまいます。自分に力を集めようとすればするほど、他人からいろんなものを奪っていくのです。

我が意を得たりです。ADHDのひどい父が全くそのとおりです。母を言葉の暴力でサンドバックのようにストレス発散相手としてきました。私は決して父を許しません。父によると「妻はいかなる夫の言動にも耐えるべき」だそうで、娘の私をも洗脳しようとしています。何につけても恣意的で、相手を支配しようとします。権力こそが父の憧れでした。自らを省みない愚かな父はいい反面教師になっています。

>しかし、たとえどのような強制力を持ってしても、たった一つ最後まで奪えないものがあります。私がどう振る舞うかは、私が決めることです。

私自身、父からの遺伝のADDとLDによる仕事の不適応に相当苦しんできましたが(砂を噛む思い出国家資格をとった)、こんな父からの自由を得るためにとことん自分と闘わなくてはならないという気になりました。勇気をありがとう。Sanaさんはこの仕事に適性があるので未来は十分開けています。自分を信じて自分を守るために意志を貫き通してください。締め付けをする夫にイライラが募ることでしょうが、相手の気持ちを想像する余裕のない未熟で幼稚な男たちは離婚されるまで気付かない。

お互い負けずに頑張りましょう。また来ます。

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