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親離れのとき

 今日からやっと、仕事が始まりました。…といっても午前中で終わり、今は自宅でぼんやりしています。本格的に仕事が始まるのは8日からなので、それまではとにかくじっとしておこうかと…。

 今住んでいるところから私の実家までは車で約40分。本当は行こうと思えばすぐ行けるのですが、今年はまだ顔を出していません。ここ3ヶ月ほどは、ぴょろを預けて仕事に行くために、月に2回程度は実家に行っていますが、それ以外では相変わらず疎遠なままです。

 実家には行っても、長居することはありません。一緒に食事をする程度で、あまり会話がないのも以前と変わらないです。近いけど、まだ私には、行きづらい場所です。
 
 母親は、私が来ると必ず、「ちょっと聞きたいことがあるんだけど」と、必ず妹の飲んでいる薬のことを尋ねます。いつもそんな「質問」に始まって、母親の悩みや愚痴を聞くのが私の役目です。妹は、相変わらず仕事に行く以外は完全に部屋に引きこもっていて、実家に行ってもまず顔を合わせる事はありません。母親のストレスが溜まるのも理解できるので、ただ相手がしゃべるのをひたすら黙って聞いています。

 母親にも相談できる相手はいるのですが、私に話すことで安心を得たいんだろうなと思います。それが時々重荷に感じることがあるので、そういう時は早めに話を切り上げて帰り支度を始めます。そうやって、何とかうまくやっていこうとしています。
 

 小さい時から感情が不安定な母親は、突然怒り出したかと思うと、しばらくすると急におとなしくなり、しまいには落ち込み、まるでジェットコースターのように気分が上がり下がりします。朝私が学校に行くときは機嫌が良くても、帰ってくると(当時のTV番組に出てくる)怪獣のように怒り荒れまくっているということがよくありました。それは今もほとんど変わっていません。一見気が強そうに見えるのですが、実際には非常にもろくガラスのように繊細なこころの持ち主で、こちらが攻撃的になると自分を傷つけるまで責めるので、何かを言う時には今でもとても気を遣います。

 そんな不安定な母親とずっと同じ家で生活するために、ひたすら相手を怒らせないように、そしてできるだけこちらの感情を出さないように、何も感じていないふりをするのが、私が身につけてきた対処法でした。それは、母親からこれ以上傷つけられないようにするために、自分を守るためだったのかもしれません。しかし、その対処法が、私の人生に与えた影響は、とても大きいものでした。

 父親が生きていたとき、母親は父の前ではほとんど怒りをあらわにすることはありませんでした。父にとって、母親は自分を頼りにしてくれて、大切にしてくれる良い妻だったのだろうと思います。私に対して激しい怒りをぶつける母親と、父がいて穏やかに振る舞う母親とのギャップを、私は長いこと受け入れられませんでした。単純に、私が母親から嫌われているから、と考えることはかえって楽でした。でも、優しい一面もあったのは事実で、いろいろ苦労を重ねながら育ててもらったことを考えると、私が母親の態度に不満を持つことは間違っているのではないかと思うこともありました。しかし、こころのどこかには何か違和感を感じていて、母親に対して必ずしも良い感情ばかりを持っていないことに、自責の念を感じることがよくありました。

 長い時間をかけ今になってやっと、母親が何を不安に思っていて何故そのような行動を起こしたのかを理解できるようになりました。彼女が最も恐れているのは、「自分の存在が他人に認められなくなる」ことで、それは他人に嫌われる以上に不安を引き起こしているのです。子供の時も、そして私が成人してからも、私が母親の予測通りに動かないことは、彼女にとって、「私を無視している」と受け止められていたのでしょう。父親を大切にすることで、父親から愛情や注目を得るだけでなく、父親にとって「特別な存在」になりたかったのではないかと思います。

 そんな母親にとって、私という存在は、単に娘であるという以上に、父親の特別な存在でありたい母親の願いを阻む脅威に見えていたのかもしれません。実際には、父親は決して偏った人ではなく、私も父親にとって、それほどお気に入りの娘というわけでもありませんでした。しかし、母親は、父親が母親を認めなくなるかもしれないという恐怖感から、どんどんと現実をゆがめ、最悪のシナリオを作り上げようとしていたのかもしれません。それが、怒りとなって私にぶつけられたと考えると、すんなりと納得がいくのです。

 父亡き後、私に対して、「誰も気付かれないまま死んでいるかもしれない」と度々口にするのも、分かる気がします。それは、「私という存在を忘れないで」という、隠れたメッセージでもあるのです。

 彼女は、母親である前に、女性であり、繊細なこころを持つ、1人の人間でもあるのだと、やっと受け止められる気がします。親という役割を追い切れないときもあって、たとえ子供でも、憎いと思うことも、ねたむことも、ひがむこともあるし、子供の幸せを素直に願えないこともあった、けれども安定しているときは、かわいいと思うときも、愛情を感じるときもあって、いろんな複雑な思いを抱えていた、そのことを受け入れたいと思います。

 今度こそ母親を許せるだろうと思います。

 母親の事を考えると、白雪姫のお母さんを思い出します。本来のストーリーでは、継母ではなく実母だと言われています。決して美しくなかったわけではないお母さんが、なぜ子供を殺そうとまでしたのか、それは、美しさを失うことは、自分の存在を失うほどの恐怖だったのではないかと思います。最後に白雪姫は、お母さんに熱い鉄の靴を履かせて死ぬまで踊らせるという、本当は怖いお話なのですが、そういう形でしか怒りをあらわせなかった白雪姫も気の毒だなあと思います。

 さて、許すということは、今までのことをなかったことにする訳でも、相手がしたことをそのまま受け入れることでもありません。

 たとえ、母親のことが理解できたからといって、それで全てがもとにもどるわけではありません。トラウマはすでに、治療により回復していますが、それで母親と親しい関係になれるとは思いません。

 今まで、私は母親に対して私の気持ちを理解して欲しいという望みがどこかにありました。また、母親を支えなければという強い責任感もあり、母親の期待に応えなければというプレッシャーもありました。

 私が歩み寄れば母親もいつかは分かってくれるだろうという気持ちは持たないようにしようと思います。母親への感謝は忘れず、できることはこれからもやっていくし、1人の人間として尊重していきたいけれど、母親の選択に自分が責任を持とうとするのは辞めたいと思います。

 そして、母親と違う人生を歩むことを、自分に許可したいと思います。


  

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Comments

いやあなんだか、とても胸に迫るものを感じました。
子どもの頃の思い当たる節や、自分自身母親としてどうあったか、
私が母と呼ぶ人は継母なのですが、その母との関係も思い起こしています。

書くと長くなりすぎるのでやめておきますが、改めて
深く考えさせていただけました。
母親と娘って 複雑ですね・・・。

Posted by: 透雪(ゆきこ) | 2005.01.07 at 10:44 AM

sanaさん
最近「インナーマザー~あなたを責め続ける心の中のお母さん」斉藤 学著をたまたま読みました。子ども時代に失った経験や気持ちへのグリーフワークをしてインナーチャイルドワークをすれば、母娘のカプセルから外れて、母は母、私は私と分けて考えることができるようになるそうです。本当かな・・・私も母とは折り合い悪いです。許せるまでまだ少し時間かかりそうです。

Posted by: ヨン様大好き | 2005.01.08 at 01:40 AM

Sanaさん、今年もよろしくお願いしますね。

私は母親とほとんど諍いなく生きてきたといっても過言じゃありません。
それだけに、現在、私と娘の関係と比べては、自分を卑下したくなるような気持ちが湧いてきて、つらくなる時があります。
母と比べて、自分は娘にとって、どれだけ良き母であるか・・比べるのはバカバカしいとは思いつつ。
感情の点においても同じく、私は娘からしたら喜怒哀楽の激しい、気を遣う相手であるでしょう。
少し、Sanaさんのお母様と重なり、娘の気持ちを考えたら胸が痛みました。
長々とごめんなさいね。ちょっと、色々感じてしまったので・・

Posted by: なお。 | 2005.01.08 at 03:42 PM

みなさま、

 タフな話題だったのに、コメント下さってありがとうございます。
 無理に御返事をせずに、皆さんのお気持ちを静かに受け止めさせていただきたいと思います。

 インナーチャイルドワークは私もよくやっています。結構しんどいですが、効果もありますね。その話題は近いうちにとりあげましょう。

Posted by: Sana | 2005.01.10 at 03:08 AM

寒中お見舞い申し上げます。
お返事遅れました。高山家HPへのトラックバックありがとうございました。年末年始、普段より、家族の意味合いが大きくなるイベントは改めて、親というものを考えさせられますね。そういう私も、まだまだ、問題を抱えながら生活しているという状態です。また、コメントさせていただきます。

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