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ワーカホリック

 年末が近づくと、毎年それまでにも増して忙しくなります。

 今年は、クリスマスまで休みなしの生活になりそうで、このままいくと過労でばったりたおれるかも、というところまできています。

 大学や専門学校での講義は、準備は確かに時間がかかりますが、大体教える内容をあらかじめ決めてあるので、それほど大変だと思ったことはありません。

 仕事も、来年3月までスケジュールはほぼ今のままです。

 忙しい理由は、仕事の合間に研究をやらなければならないから、です。私は大学で教える立場であると同時に、学生でもあるのです。

 そして学位を取るために、論文も書かなければなりません。

 今年は、春から夏にかけて、うつがひどくなるなど、体調を大きく崩したので、仕事をつづけるだけで精一杯の状態で、まだ論文が手つかずで残っています。

 今日、久しぶりに大学院のゼミに出席して、案の定、論文書かないとねえ、としっかり教授からプレッシャーをかけられて、すっかり落ち込んで帰宅しました。

 ぴょろの学校行事も残っているし、受験もあるし、その上に仕事と家事ときちんとやろうと思ったら、いつ私は論文をかけばいいんだろう…。でも、書かない限り、先がないのでまた睡眠時間を削ることになるのだろうと思います。

 忙しそうな私を見て、周囲には大分元気になってきたように見えているのだろうと思いますが、実はまったく逆です。PTSDの症状は最近少し悪化していて、ほぼ1日おきに悪夢を見るし、睡眠がかなり浅くなっていて、日中でも時々侵入的に辛いことを思い出したり、過覚醒症状(音とか人の気配に異様に敏感になっている)が続いています。

 PTSDを抱える人には、アルコールやたばこなどの薬物に依存する例が多いですが、それはこのような再体験症状や過覚醒症状を少しでも和らげようとする戦略の一つとも言われます。過食も時々見られます。そのいずれにも当てはまらない人たちで、ワーカホリックに陥るケースがよくあるそうです。仕事をいっぱい抱えることで、思い出さないように、という無意識の自己防衛の現れという意見もあります。

 私にとっても、仕事があることが、ある意味PTSDの症状に圧倒されずになんとか日常生活に適応していく原動力になっているのだと思うのですが、今の状況では仕事が回復の助けになるよりむしろ回復を遅らせてしまっているような気もしています。

 やはり、どうにかしてPTSDの治療は受けた方がよさそうです。

 これからしばらくの間は、論文作成などのため、更新ペースが3、4日に1回程度になると思います。News-Cripも一時ストップしますがどうかご了承下さい。


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