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逆らわない生き方

 せっかくのお休みなんだからと寝ようとすると、電話はかかるしメールもくるので何だか休めないでいるうちに気がつくともう夕方になろうとしています。

 家にいても、気がかりな学生さんやクライエントの事が頭に浮かんできます。うーん、頭を休めなければ…。

 頭に比べると体は本当に正直に出来ているな、とつくづく思います。

 風邪を引いたのはまさに「これ以上働いていたら体をこわすよ」という体からの警告だったかもしれません。

 この数日、本当に体がだるくてよく眠くなります。気持ちでがんばろうとしても体はすでにお休み体勢に入っているので動こうともしません。こんな時しかまとまって休めないので、体が望むだけ休ませてあげようと思います。


 ここ1年ほど、私は物事には時期があり、流れに逆らわずに生きていくことが必要な時もあると考えるようになりました。

 一年でも早く取りたいと思っていた臨床心理士の資格も、結局3年の時間がかかりましたし、病院で勤務したいという希望も、大学院(修士)を卒業してから2年かかってやっとかないました。

 大学院卒業後すぐからバリバリ働いている人もいる中で、私は何もかもがスローペース。

 でも今振り返ると、無駄な時間は全くなかったのではないかと思います。きちんとした仕事に就けなかった1年半は、師匠からEMDRのやり方を学び、また博士課程に進学するきっかけも作ってくれた貴重な時間だったと思います。

 そして博士課程に進学して今の教授と出会えたことで、以外にも大学で非常勤講師として教える機会に恵まれ、自分の専門分野を決めていくために必要な人たちとのさらなる出会いもありました。

 大学で学生さんたちの顔を1人1人見ながら講義しているとき、そして大学病院や個人の病院で患者さんと面接をしているとき、「私はいるべき場所に今いるんだろうな」と時々感じます。

 何かの縁で、あるいは何かの理由があってそれぞれの場所で出会った人たちだからこそ、責任を持って接していきたいと思うと同時に、巡り会った事は決して偶然ではないという思いを新たにします。

 出会いが選べないのと同様に、「引き際」というのも必ずあると思います。

 来年度もほぼ同じ大学で、同じ科目の講義をすることが決まっていますが、私にとっては「まだここで教えることが必要だからここにいる」という気がします。それでもいつか、非常勤を辞める時期も来るでしょう。それまでは、毎年入れ替わる学生さんたちに講義をしながら、経験を積むことが大切なのだと思います。

 大学病院は研修期間が2年で、必要に応じてさらに延長する人もいます。曜日により全く違うスタッフと一緒にやってきて、このメンバーと出会えたことは本当によかったと思っています。ここでも時期が来るまではきちんと仕事をしていきたいと思うし、ここで学んでいる事は必ず他の場所でも役立てていこう思います。

 今まで1年3ヶ月仕事をしてきたK市の病院は、来年3月で辞めることになりました。片道2時間の通勤はさすがに体力的にもきつかったし、収入から交通費を差し引くとなんぼも残らない状態で、こんなに長続きしたことすら奇跡に近いのですが、それでも、発達障害の大人の方に対する援助についてはこの病院で多くを学びました。

 気になる患者さんはまだ数名いるのですが、「去るときが来た」のだと思います。

 辞めることが決まってから、週1日程度働ける病院をまた探し始めました。どうやって見つけていけばいいのかまだ見当もつきませんが、何となく、「行くべき所に行ける」気がしていて、そんなに大きな不安はありません。沖縄なのか、福岡なのか、それともどこか別の場所なのか、それはあまり私にとっては大きな問題ではなく、出会うべき人に出会えて、それで行くべき場所が見つかれば、それでいいのではないかと思っています。

 もし、私が希望しているように個人病院で仕事が見つからなかったとしたら、それはそれでまた別の形で出会いがあるような気がします。

 流れに身を任せる気持ちで、それでも今はまだやるべき仕事がたくさんありますから、それを一つづつ片づけていくうちに、きっと先が見えてくると信じています。

 

 
 

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