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もう一度信じてみる

 今日は、一ヶ月以上延期になっていた、筑後川花火大会に行って来ました。
…と言っても、私の住む場所は会場から1キロちょっとしか離れていません。

 今年から、2会場に分かれたので去年よりは移動がちょっとだけ楽でした。夜だったしあの人混みだから気がつかなかったけれど、多分中学校の生徒や大学の教え子には、花火を見ながら叫びまくっていた姿を見られたかもしれません。今週の授業で「先生この前○○にいたでしょう?」と言われそう…(汗)。

 ぴょろは間近に花火を見るのが初めてなので大喜びでした。

 最近ぴょろは、私と手をつながなくなりました。人混みの中で見失うと困るからと、手をつなごうとすると、さっと振り払い、ひとりすたすたと歩いていくのです。親としては段々大きくなっていくことを寂しいと思いながらも、ああ、もうこういう時期になったのか、とちょっとうれしくもありました。

 今日の夕方まで、私は珍しく落ち込んでいました。K市に住み始めて8ヶ月が過ぎ、大分落ち着いてきたしぴょろが来たことで安心できた部分もあったのですが、今でも時々あまり思い出したくない事(配偶者の暴力のこと)を思い出してしまうし、K市に来たことで実家との行き来が避けられなくなったこともあって、このところ少しストレスがたまり気味でした。

 今の私には、愚痴を言う相手はまだいません。以前に沖縄にいたときもいたかというとそうではありません。結局一人でため込んでは年に1,2度爆発させるのがいつものことでした。しかし、今の職場には、こういう暴力やいろんな被害のケアを専門にしているスタッフが何人かいて、その人たちと一緒に仕事をする機会がたびたびあるので、自分の経験を少し話してそれなりに理解を示してくれる人も出てきました。

 私は他人に自分の体験を話すときに、かなり他人事のように話すくせがあります。そのためか、内容的には深刻なのに、その深刻さが相手に伝わらなかったりするのです。「ああ、そのくらいなら、この人なら大丈夫」と思われてしまい、それで話が終わってしまうこともこれまでに数え切れないほどありました。

 大学で人間関係を良くするためのこつや、コミュニケーションの方法などについて話していながら、実は私自身のコミュニケーション能力はかなり低いなあ、と講義をしながら矛盾を感じたりもします。「分かって欲しい」と思うことを伝えきれなかった、あるいは伝えたくても伝えることができなかった体験を当たり前のように繰り返してきたからなのか、私はどうも肝心なことは自分の中だけにしまってしまう、やっかいなところがあるように思います。

 タマゴの殻(Eggshells)のように脆いココロを持つ親と、コミュニケーションに障害のあるアスペルガーの配偶者と、確かに難しい人へ対応していかなければならない事情もあります。こちらが歩み寄るしかないというのは正論です。

 しかし、そういう人たちばかりに接しているわけでないのに、それでも相手に自分の気持ちや思いを伝えることに異常に抵抗感を持っている背後には、これまでに自分が立ち直れないだろうと思うほどの裏切られ体験というのが何度もあって、それ故に多分人自体を信じるのが難しくなっているのかもしれません。

 高山さんのブログに、

 そんなことよりも、人と人との接する中で一番大事なのは人を信じること、そして信じてもらえること、これに尽きるのではないだろうか。話し方や、理論で人から信用を勝ち取るのはなかなか難しいものです。

と書かれてあったのを読んで、改めて考えさせられました。良いコミュニケーション技術というのも確かにあって、どうすればそれが身に付くかという手引き書もワークショップもいろいろあります。でも、結局は人の心をつないでいるのはやっぱり信頼ではないか(それは「愛情と信頼」でも書いたことだけど)、そして人に信じてもらう前にやっぱり私自身がその人を信じられるかどうかが大切ではないかと思ったのでした。

 元師匠も今の師匠のどちらに対してもやはり私は自分の事を話すことにかなり抵抗しました。元師匠はそういう私をまるごと受け入れようとしてくれていたのですが、私は最後まで自分の本心を伝えることが出来ませんでした。今の師匠に対しても、初めは警戒心が強くて自分からは絶対に近寄ろうとしませんでしたが、あるコンサルテーションの最中に「実は人を信じるのが苦手なんです」、と告白したところ、「人を信じられないで何とかしてもらおうなんて虫が良すぎる」と言い返されて、その時に始めて信頼関係の重要さに気がついたのでした。

 配偶者の暴力の事では、本人の態度だけでなく周囲の言葉や態度にもずいぶん傷ついたことがありました。また、それ以外の事でも、人間関係でひどい裏切りに遭ったことが何回かありました。「どうせ言っても分かってもらえないだろう」、多分私の事を理解できる人はいないだろう、と考えてしまうことが今でもあります。

 そういう時に、元師匠と師匠には少なくとも信頼してもらえてた、ということを思い出しながら、過去にはいろいろあったけど、そこからもう一度誰かを信じてみる、そうやって本当に気持ちの通い合える人間関係をこれから築いていけばいいんだ、と自分に言い聞かせることにしています。


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Comments

Sanaさん、こんばんは。
おれも自分の症状などを人に伝える時、他人事のように話したり、たいしたことないような素振りを見せてしまって、深刻さが伝わらないことがよくあります。
アレキシサイミアの様だというか…。

また、人を信じることができなくて警戒心が強いっていうところもSanaさんに似てるような気がします。
いい人がいたとしても「気をつかってそういってくれるだけでほんとは心の中ではどう思ってるんだろう?」
と考えたりして葛藤が生じやすいです。

これからのカウンセリングで、ほんとに心から人を信じることができるようになりたいなと思います♪

乱文失礼しました。
臨床心理士の試験頑張ってください。
心から応援しています^^

Posted by: タック | 2004.09.30 at 02:05 AM

タックさん、

カウンセリングが、タックさんがよい方向へ向かうための助けになるようにお祈りしています。

試験は、できるだけやってみます(自信はないけど…)お気遣いどうもありがとうございます。

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