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出会いは選べない?

 火曜日に自宅に戻ってきて以来、ブログの更新がペースダウンしています。

 電話回線がヘンになってしまったので、やむを得ずADSLをあきらめ、ISDNに戻りました。いやー、スピードが遅いこと…。ついでに私の生活ものんびりモードになっていて、ちょっと気が抜けた感じです。

 どういう訳だか、私にとっては、3月ではなく8月が別れの季節なのです。

 8月とは、アメリカの学校では新年度に入る時期です。だから、7月8月は、転勤など移動の時期なのです。催眠療法を教えてくれた私の最初の師匠は、2年前、米軍基地の病院を定年退職し、日本を離れました。今は、本国の看護学校(大学院)で教鞭を執っています。

 この最初の師匠が日本を離れる時は、本当に寂しくて、私もついていきたいよー、と思ったくらい別れが辛かったです。それは、この人が本当に日本人の事をよく理解していて、公私ともにずいぶんとお世話になったからです。この先生がいたことで、私は人生の辛い時期を乗り越えるためのいろんな助言や励ましをもらいました。

 そして、今年の8月、今度は今の師匠が関西へ転勤します。

 別に新幹線か飛行機で通えない距離ではないのですが、今までのように、車で10分で大学に行けば会える、という環境ではなくなるので、少々寂しいかな、と思います。

 この2人の師匠との出会いは、どちらも意外なことがきっかけでした。

 前の師匠(M先生)と知り合ったのは、友人のおかげでした。海外通販にこっている友人が、M先生の住所宛にとどいた荷物を取りに行くというので、ついて行ったら、そこで師匠を紹介され、最初は英語のレッスン(心理学は専門用語が難しくて大変なので)を受けるために通う約束をしました。ところがその後すぐ、私は大学院で病院実習をすることが決まり、スーパーバイザーをお願いすることになりました。それから2年間、クリスマスと夏期休暇以外は毎週のように指導を受けるためにM先生のところに通いました。

 友人は私より1年早く大学院を卒業していましたが、その日、たまたま用事で大学院の事務所に来ていたところをぱったりと会い、待ち時間が1時間ちょっとできたから、一緒に行かない?と誘われたのがきっかけです。

 それが、私の人生の中での、とても大きな出会いにつながっていました。

 今の師匠との出会いは、地元で開催された学会に出席していた時に訪れました。これもまた、会場で久しぶりにあった大学院で同期(このときは2人とも卒業した後でした)だった友人と会い、その人が紹介したい先生がいるから、と私を無理矢理ひっぱって連れて行ったのが事の始まりでした。

 その時師匠とは単にあいさつをするだけで終わろうとしたのですが、その時に師匠がEMDRが専門、と自己紹介をしたのでつい「私も論文を書こうとしたことがありますよ」と言ってしまったのが運の尽き、すぐにレベル1、2のトレーニングを受けるように勧められ、それを素直に聞いてしまった私はトレーニングに参加しました。

 トレーニング自体は非常に興味があって良かったのですが、トレーニングの中で治療者と患者役に分かれて練習をしなければならず、患者役をどうしても引き受けられなかったため、トレーニング終了後に、できなかった患者役をやるなら、どうしても師匠に治療者を引き受けてもらいたいんですけど…、と無理矢理頼み込んでやってもらうことになりました。

 だけど、トラウマがたくさんあったので、当然1、2回では終わらず、結局半年ほど通いました。

 EMDRのトレーニングが終わった直後は、一応認定はしてもらったけど、自分が治療者として使える自信がなく、多分やらないだろう、と思っていました。

 半年師匠の所へ、自分の治療のために通っていたら、気持ちが段々変わってきて、私もEMDRを使ってみようかなと考えるようになりました。

 そんな私の心境の変化をするどく見抜いた?師匠は、治療が終わった後さっそく私にケースを持たないかと持ちかけてきました。初心者だからと躊躇したものの、「行き詰まったら助けますから」、という師匠の言葉を信じて始めてEMDRを使った介入をやりました。

 始めからうまくいったわけではなかったけど、師匠は言葉通り、コンサルテーションをやってくれました。そうしているうちに段々と私もやり方が分かってきて、これはすごくいい治療法だということを感じるようになりました。

 だけど、M先生の時ほど、実際にはそんなに頻繁に連絡はとっていませんでした。今の師匠はM先生とは全然タイプが違っていて、クールで厳しいイメージがあって、取っつきにくい感じがあったし、私自身は違う大学の大学院を出ていて、師匠の直接の教え子ではないので、EMDR以外の接点がほとんどなかったからです。

 だけど、この師匠には、1度だけ大変お世話になったことがありました。

 一昨年の暮れ、私は博士号取得のため、ある大学院の後期博士課程の受験を考えていました。しかし、その大学院に関する情報がほとんどなかったので、師匠を訪ねてそのことについて相談をしました。その時師匠は、私に別の大学院を薦めてくれて、今の私の指導教授を紹介してくれました。

 博士課程に籍を置いて研究活動をやるようになってから、師匠との関係は少しだけ変化しました。それまでは患者さんのこととか、技術的な話がほとんどでしたが、そこに研究が加わったことで、師匠から教わることが増えた気がしました。結局トレーニングを受け始めてから3年のつきあいとなりました。

 師匠の転勤の話を聞いたとき、師匠にとってはすごくいい話だから、最初は素直に喜んでいました。でも、いざ離れる時が来たら、せめてあと1年、私が大学院を卒業するまではいてくれてもよかったかなあ、と思う時も。(国内だし、行かないで~というほどのリアクションはないけど)

 前の師匠は、私にとっての生き方のモデルであり、今の師匠は、研究者として一番尊敬する人物です。それぞれに大切な存在です。こういう出会いは一生のうちにそんなにたくさんはないだろうと思います。

 今年になって学会への出張が格段に増え、それと共にいろんな研究者と出会う機会も増えましたが、挨拶する程度で終わるのがほとんどです。だけどそれもそれなりの意味があると思います。

 こういう事を考えると、出会いは偶然でないだけでなく、もしかしたら自分で選ぼうとしても選べないところがあるのかもしれない、と思います。だからこそ、それが1回きりになるかもしれなくても、出会いは大事にしたほうがいい、と感じます。

 とりあえず、師匠は笑顔で見送ってあげたいと思います。

 

 

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