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愛情と信頼(1)

 昨日いちにち、台風のため最悪の天候となりました。
航空各社も欠航が相次いだようで、本当は昨日戻る予定だったけど、そうしなくてよかった、と思っています。

 昨日私は、師匠と沖縄での最後のお仕事を終え、そのあと、帰省中の甥とぴょろを、ゲーセンに連れて行きました。そのあと、配偶者の実家で夕食をみんなで食べた後、9時過ぎに自宅へ戻りました。

 飼い主の帰りが遅いのを心配していたのか、みーちゃんとシェーンが玄関で迎えてくれました。配偶者曰く、私が不在の夜はけっこうミーミーないて私を捜しているんだそうです。10日に、久しぶりに帰宅した夜中、シェーンがないていたので名前を呼ぶと、「うにゃ~ん」という甘えた声を出しながら、だーっと駆け寄ってきたのを思い出しました。

 うーん、私のこと、飼い主と認めてくれているんだねぇ。

 そのシェーンちゃん、今は私の部屋の、レーザープリンターの上で気持ちよく寝ています。(印刷できないじゃないか!)

 私は、猫と台風にはこよなく愛されているようです(笑)。


 私の周りには、親のどちらかがアルコール依存症、という友人が多いです。また、DV被害者のカウンセリングをやっていると、やはりアルコール依存症の親を持つ人が多いことに気付かされます。

 飲んだくれて暴れてものをこわすとか、家族の誰かに暴力をふるう現場を目撃して育った人たちが、私の周りにはたくさんいます。

 その中には、同じように飲酒の問題を抱える人も少しはいますが、大半はむしろ同じようになりたくないとがんばっている人たちです。彼らに大体共通しているのは、周囲への細かな気遣いができ、非常によく他人の世話をし、相手の要求を第一に考えようとし、自分の要求や感情を出すのが苦手、という特徴です。アルコール依存症の家族に関する研究はかなりやられていますから、細かい点まではここでは述べないことにします。

 しかし、友人も、クライエントも、ほぼ全員が実家との問題だけでなく、配偶者や子供との問題を抱えています。中でも配偶者との関係の悩みは、深刻なことが多いです。DV被害者に限らず、暴力の目撃者(witness)として、家族が一方的にやられるのを目にして育った彼らは、どんなに状況がキケンでも、そこから逃げ出せない、あるいは逃げ出そうという考えすら持てないのだ、ということを、これまで何度も感じてきました。

 むしろ、自分さえがまんすれば、とひたすら耐えている人も少なくありません。また、自分で責任を負いすぎてしまい、他人に援助を求めることを躊躇する人が多いように思います。

 昨日、師匠と仕事(コンサルテーション)をしていて、気がついたことがありました。

 依存症の親をもつ人は、親とは違うタイプのパートナーを捜そうと望みながらも、あるいは同じ問題を二度と繰り返したくないと思いながらも、飲酒の問題がなかったとしても親と同じようなパートナーを選んでしまう、あるいは問題を繰り返してしまうということが、とても多いです。

 その背後には、共通した問題があるのではないか、と思ったのです。

 アルコール依存症に限ったことではありませんが、様々な理由で親の愛情を十分に受けられなかったり、子供のニーズが満たされずに育った人は、どうしても、その「満たされないもの」の代償を他人から得ようとするところがあるのではないかと、以前から思っていました。(実際私もそうだった)

 その、代償を他人に求める気持ちが、アルコール依存症の家族は特に強いのではなかろうか、と気がついたのです。他人との親密な関係を築くのが難しい状態で、無償の愛情を求めようとする、それが結果的に同じ事を繰り返してしまう根底にあるのではないか、と考えました。

 母性と父性で触れたように、無償の愛情は、人が基本的な信頼感を築くのには不可欠です。しかしそれが不足すると、他人への安定した信頼感を持つのは難しくなります。多くの人は、親に代わる愛情を得ることができれば、その問題は解決すると信じているかもしれません。

 しかし、子供であっても、親から得られなかった愛情を代わりに誰かから受け取れるようになるには、大変な作業が必要なのです。

 本当は、親代わりの人から愛情を受け取るには、相手に対する信頼感を持てているかどうかが重要なポイントとなります。しかし、依存症の家族の多くは、相手に役に立つ、あるいは相手の喜ぶ事をすることで、相手から愛されようとしている人たちなのかもしれない、と気がついたのです。もちろん、そうすることで、相手からの信頼を得て、望んでいるものを得られることもあると思います。しかし、彼らは、相手に対して献身的に接しながらも、どこかで相手も自分も信じられていないような気がします。

 愛情が得られれば、相手を信頼できる、というものではなく、信頼できるから愛情を感じられるのだろう、と思います。


 続きは次回に。さて、今からお仕事がんばろっと。今日は「アスペルガーday」(アスペルガー症候群のクライエントのカウンセリングが集中している日)です。


 
 

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Comments

私は13の時に父を亡くしていますが、未だに異性に対して「父親に代わるもの」を期待しているような気がします。
付き合いが深まり結婚するような相手には、そういうことが何気なく伝わるようで、「俺はお前の父親にはなれない」と別れた夫には言われたことがあります。親の影響が支配的だと、思春期に入ってもこういった後遺症を残す場合もあるのですね。

相手に依存ししがみつくような恋愛から、対等に人としてつき合う恋愛を知ることができたのは、元夫のおかげなのかもしれません。ただ、極端に振れやすいADHD故、深く信頼して距離を狭めることができなくなったというのもありますが(苦笑)。こだわりというのは「しがみつき」の一つなのでしょうが、それを手放そうとすると心が不安定になるというのも困ったものです。

最後になりましたがリンクさせていただいてよろしいでしょうか?

Posted by: 透雪(ゆきこ) | 2004.08.18 at 12:49 PM

透雪さん、

 しがみつきを手放すのは、確かに大変なことでしょうね。本人は「これしかない」と思っている時は特にそうですし…。それでも、しがみつきを手放さない限り、本当の意味で相手と対等な関係を築くのは難しいです。そのことに気付くだけでも大切な事だと思いますね。

 リンクは大歓迎です。これからもよろしくお願いします。

Posted by: Sana | 2004.08.18 at 10:21 PM

sanaさんこんにちは。
大変興味深い記事でした。

私の祖父はアルコール依存+DV+女性関係で祖母を悩ませていたようです。そんな母を小学生の時に病気で亡くした父は、自分の妻にはかなりの母性を求めているなぁと、子供心に思っていました。
「酒を飲んでも決して妻と子供には手を挙げない」という誓いを立てて未だに守っている父を私は尊敬しています。
私の配偶者も、母への暴力や愛人などの問題が多い父親を持っていました。
彼と結婚することを決めたとき父は「自分の親と同じ事は決してしまい、と思っていても、それを実行出来る強さを持つ人間は本当に少ない。おまえが苦労する姿は見たくない」といいました。
それでも結婚を決めた私はそれからずっと、何かあるたびに「やっぱり」と思ってしまっていましたが、今回sanaさんの記事を読ませていただいて、
自分が恥ずかしくなりました。ごめんなさい。
無償の愛、難しいことのように思います。どうしても自分のことを優先してしまいがちです。
でも、彼を愛で包んであげなければ。
そしてお父さんにもっと感謝と愛を。
出来るかなぁ。 
でもそれが私の父への恩返しですよね。頑張ります!

Posted by: ちょこりん | 2004.08.19 at 05:24 PM

ちょこりんさん、

コメントありがとうございます。
お父さんのような、自分の事をよく理解し努力しておられる方は本当に少ないと思います。どうか大切にしてあげて下さいね。配偶者さまへは、自分の力以上のことはしないで、できる方法で支えてあげるのが、長続きの秘訣ではないかと思います。それができていない私が言うのもヘンですが…。

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