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悲しいとき

 日曜日の最終便で、やっと自宅に帰ってきました。
ぴょろは、大好きな友だちに会えたことと、念願のポケモンセンターに行けたことで、大満足の様子でした。

 先月はほんとに忙しかったので、自宅には5日間しかいられず、ぴょろとゆっくり話す機会もなかったので、出張とはいえ2人で出かけてよかったかなと思いました。

 これでゆっくりできると思っていたのですが、長いお留守の間にたまっていた仕事があり、一夜明けるとまた仕事モードに。いつもは空き時間に家事をするのが普通ですが、昨日はいろんなことがあって、家事が全然できないくらい忙しい日になってしまいました。

 昨日、久しぶりに師匠の所へ、配偶者の事で相談に行きました。
その時、私の言い方が悪かったのか、ある話題を巡って意見が分かれてしまいました。

 師匠としては、好意で言ってくれたのだと思うアドバイスが、逆に私にとってはすごく心の痛い言葉になってしまったのです。まあ、生身の人間だから、誤解とか失言も付き物だと思えばそんなに気にならないのですが、家に帰ってしばらくしたら、やっぱり誤解は解いておいた方が、師匠にとっても今後同じようなクライエントに出会ったときの参考になるかもしれない、と思ったので、師匠にメールを送ることにしました。

 意見が分かれた話題については、とても大切な事なので、メールを送る前にここにも載せておきたいと思います。

 師匠は私のコンサルタントでもあると同時に、今回EMDRの治療者としても助けてもらいました。PTSDの方は、そのおかげで大分よくなってきたとは思います。

 ただ、おそらくトラウマの中身の問題なのか、終わった後あまりすっきりした感じになれず、逆に悲しくなってしまいました。(師匠も私があまり嬉しそうでなかったことはヘンだと思ったらしい)

 そういう時、みーちゃんとシェーンが代わる代わるそばにそっと寄り添ってくれて(トイレも仕事も寝るときも一緒)優秀なナース役を引き受けてくれているので、助かっています。ぴょろもまた、それなりに物事がちゃんと理解できる年齢になり、きちんと話ができるので、PTSDの治療をしたのが今で良かったのではないかと感じました。

 そして、私には心から楽しめるピアノという道具もある…。

 悲しいとき、今まではできるだけ楽しい事を考えたり気分転換に出かけたりして、早くこの気持ちがどっかに行ってしまったらいいのに、と考えていました。だけど、寄り添う者の存在や、悲しみを表現できる手段を持ったことで、私自身は悲しいときにその感情を十分に感じ、それから少しずつ癒されていくという体験ができるようになりました。

 これは、私にとっては非常に大きな変化だと思います。

 

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