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昇るより降りる生き方

 2日間の東京での学会が終わり、今日から神戸です。

 土曜日の朝、多少家を出るのが遅れ、その遅れを引きずったまま、始発電車に間一髪で乗り込んで…と出だしからすでに大きくコケた今回の出張…。(思わずホームで、「その電車待って~!」と叫んでしまった)

 今年の日本外来精神医療学会は、池袋のホテルが会場でした。早速池袋で迷い、JRから降りてすぐの所にあるはずのホテルを見つけられずにうろうろ。

 やっと会場にたどり着いたのが、開始時間から30分ほど経った頃でした。

 そんな、大不調のまま迎えた学会でしたが、終わってみると非常に中身の濃い、とても勉強になった2日間でした。

 参加費は事前登録で5000円というお値段で、某製薬メーカーのスポンサーでお弁当と筆記用具付きという至れり尽くせりのサービスに、この値段では安すぎると思うような内容でした。

 中でも、私の考えを根本から変えるような衝撃的な講演を聞く機会がありました。

 「べてるの家」のメンバー4人と、精神科医である川村先生の講演です。以前にある新聞記事がきっかけで、彼らのユニークな活動についてはすでに知っていましたが、精神障害の当事者が自分の体験を学会で話すというのは相当に画期的なことで、立ち見が出る程の参加者となり講演が終わったときには大きな拍手が会場から寄せられました。

 講演の内容については、ここで紹介はしませんが、彼らの語った内容のすべては”べてるの家の「非」援助論”(医学書院、2100円)に載せられています。

 さて、「治さない医者」を自称する川村先生と、当事者の率直な体験発表から、私の考えを大きく変えるきっかけを作ってくれたキーワードは、

「昇るより降りる生き方」
「弱さを大切に」
「当事者研究」
「普通の悩みをとりもどす」
「健常者支援」

…の5つです。

 この講演で一番私にとって印象的だったのは、彼らの「病気は克服するものではなく、つきあうもの」という考え方でした。

 それまでは、病気と向かい合い、乗り越えていく過程を大切に、というのが私の考え方でした。それなのに、当事者たちが、「病気になってよかった」「病気を治さないで下さい」と話すのを聞いていて、私のプロの援助者としての考えががらがらと崩れていくのを感じました。

 何で?…治療者としての私は、目の前で困っている方がどうすれば少しでも楽に生きられるのか、症状を軽くするにはどうしたらいいかということをまず考えていました。

 だけど、PTSDやうつの当事者としての立場から考えてみると、彼らが「勝手に治さないで」と訴えるのもなるほど、と思えたのです。

 PTSDでもうつでも、あるいは統合失調症でも、薬や心理療法で症状を軽くするということはある程度できるし、それが治療者・援助者の役割、という教育を受けてきたのですが、

 よく考えると、症状がなくなっても、生活はちっとも楽にならないのです。むしろ、症状がなくなると、悩みが逆に増えることすらあります。援助をしたことが、果たして本当に当人のために良かったのか?と考えてしまうことも時々あるのです。

 病気と向かい合い、克服するのを助ける、というのは、今の状態からもっと良くなれるように上を目指してがんばろう、と励ましの意味もあると思います。

 だけど、そもそも、がんばれなくなってうつになり、体験が自分の処理能力を超えているからPTSDになっているわけで、がんばれない人に更にがんばって克服しましょう、というのはおかしいんではないか?と気がついたのでした。

 講演が終わり、宿泊先に向かう電車の中で、私は自分の考え方を変える必要がある、とはっきりと悟りました。

 それまでは、何とかしてこの辛いPTSDの症状を克服し、普通の生活を取り戻したい、と考えていました。

 だけど、もしかしたら、PTSDになった(しかも10年間良くなったり再発したりを繰り返している)のは、私に「これ以上がんばるな」と教えるためだったのかもしれない、と思いました。PTSDになった私は普通の人とは違う、という気持ちがいつもどこかにありました。だから、どうにか普通の人と同じような感覚を取り戻すことが、私の以前からの目標だったのかもしれません。

 でも、PTSDは、私から排除すべきものではなく、これからも共存していくものなんだ、と思った瞬間、

 もう降りた…!

 と思ったんです。

 早い話が白旗を揚げるようなものです。無理してがんばって治そうなんて思うのはやめることに決めました。今でも突然思い出したりパニック発作を起こしたり、悪夢を見たり、ということが時々ありますが、「仕方ないよ、それだけ私にとって処理不可能な出来事だったんだから」と考えることにしたら、何だか張りつめていた気持ちがすうっと楽になりました。

 PTSDの症状があるおかげで、私は無理をするとどうなるかを身をもって体験することができ、過労死せずに済んできたのかもしれません。

 私は今までに3回、死ぬかもしれない、という体験をしていますが、それでもしぶとく生き残っている私はもしかしたらとてもラッキーなのかもしれません。

 こんな風に考え方を少し変えてみたら、PTSDになったことがかえって私の人生に大きなプラスになっているように思え、これでよかったんだ、と素直に感じました。

 治療者・援助者としての役割がある故に、当事者としての問題をなかなか直視できず、以前にも書いたように自分の中にある矛盾を受け入れられないでいたのですが、その矛盾もそっくりそのまま受け入れて生きていこう、と決めました。


 残りのお題については、今日からの学会の合間を見て、ぼちぼち取り上げたいと思います。

 ”べてるの家の「非」援助論”そのままでいいと思えるための25章(医学書院)View image


 特にカウンセラーや援助職を目指す人がこのブログを見て下さっている方々の中におられるようでしたら、ぜひ読むことをおすすめします。


 

 

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