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心的外傷後ストレス反応(PTSD) (3)

 前回までは、医学的なPTSDの症状などについて紹介しました。
これが前提にないと、これから書くことを理解していただくのは難しいと思ったので、あえて載せました。

 すでにお気づきの方もいらっしゃるかもしれませんが、ここ2,3日、私の書き込みのスピードがはやいです。

 1日に2~3個の記事を新しく載せるのは、これまでにほとんどなかったことです。しかし、今回は何でこんなに速いのかというと、それだけ今の私の精神状態があんまり良くないということなんです。

 今はうつモードに入っている上にPTSDの過覚醒症状がきついので、とてもイライラしてじっとしているのが辛いんです。じっとしていると、いろんな事を思い出してしまい、しかも無力感や疲労感が出てくるので、とにかくいらない事を考えないようにするので精一杯です。

 書いていると少しは落ち着きます。また気持ちや考えの整理がつくので、私としては今はblogがあることが助けになっているように思います。

 ぴょろも私がいつもより元気がないことに気付いているのかもしれませんが、私の方は多少無理をしてでも子供に悟られないように振る舞うように意識しています。一緒に遊んだり、家事を手伝ってもらったり、映画や買い物に行ったりしています。

 だけど、慢性的な脱力感と、何だか分からない不安と、2日前から断続的に続く頭痛のために、一緒にいても全然楽しいと思えず、何もかも機械的に動いているような感じもします。

 夜は、一応眠れる日とそうでない日が交互にやってきます。
眠れない時は、朝方4時前くらいに目が覚めてそこから眠れなくなります。(いわゆる早朝覚醒型不眠というヤツです)

 眠れる日は逆に、朝起きようとしてもなかなか起きられず、十分寝ているはずなのに全然疲れがとれていないような感じがします。ここ数ヶ月は少しの物音でもすぐに目が覚めてしまうほど、眠りが浅いです。ですから時間的には一応とれているけれど睡眠の質は、あまり良くないのではないかと思います。

 このような症状が出始めたのは去年の11月からです。その後しばらくしてアパートを借り、この2ヶ月で実家を訪ねたのはわずかに2日だけです。実家に行くと、パニック発作とフラッシュバックが出るので、完全に逃げの体制(回避状態)に入っています。

 先週から治療をようやく再開したので、もう少し落ち着くまでは、しばらくしんどい毎日が続きそうです。前回の面接後からは、一番思い出したくない事を(面接中に)思い出してしまったのが影響しているのか、エスカレーターにぶつかったり、いすにつまずいて怪我をしたり、仕事に集中できなくなり約束を忘れてしまったりと、いつもよりもっと注意力がなくなっているような感じです。

 カウンセラー本人がPTSDの症状で大変になるなんて、自己管理の問題と言われても仕方ないのですが、私の場合、トラウマの根本にある人間関係が未だに続いている(というよりも続けなければならない立場にある)ため、一端落ち着いても再燃する危険性は常にあるのです。

 ですから、私なりの対応の仕方というのを考えておかなければならなかったのですが、やはり患者さん優先で忙しくしているうちに、ついつい自分の事が後回しになって、今のような状態に追い込まれたというのが本当のところです。

 私のサポート資源も、あまり豊富ではありません。配偶者は残念ながら、PTSDに関しては理解を求めるのは難しいようです。本人にいくら説明しても、その大変さを想像することすらできないので、今は話す気力もありません。しかし精神的なサポートが無理でも、疲労感が強くて動けなくなると、多少家事を手伝ってはくれる(もちろんなんで具合が悪いのかは分からない)ので、それだけでもありがたいと思うようにしています。

 信頼する治療者の存在があることと、私のスーパーバイザーもまた精神的なサポートを与えてくれるので、それで何とかやっていけているように思います。また、子供と動物の存在も、私が自分をこれ以上追いつめるのを防いでくれているような気がします。

 何でこういうことになったのか、は次にします。


 (続きます)

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