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私の中の、ゆずれない部分

前の記事を書いて3日間は、論文を書くために空き時間のほとんどを使いました。
Blogをやると、そっちに逃げてしまいそうなので、メールも見ないしインターネットもお休みしました。

おかげで、今朝やっと論文のドラフト(下書き)が終わりました\(^o^)/
その後は、3日分たまった家事を、少しずつ再開しています。

この1週間近くは本当に具合が悪かったのですが、いつも通り、カウンセリングのお仕事は続けました。本当にしんどいときは、来て下さった患者さんに「今日は私も具合悪いけど、やれる限りはやりますから」と正直にうちあけながら。

結局、仕事も予定通りに終わり、論文も(期限を3週間も過ぎていたが)とりあえず一段落しました。

この仕事を始めたとき、自分をケアできない人が、どうやって他人の援助ができるんだろうと考えたことがありました。しかし、どうやって自分の中のトラウマと向き合えばいいのか、その方法が分かりませんでした。

しかし、今はどうすればいいかが少し分かるようになりました。具合が悪いときに自分も援助を受けていいと思えるようにもなりました。

昨日、2回目のEMDRによる治療を受けたとき、私は最後に「自分のことを大切にすることがどういう事かが分からない」と治療者に告げました。その時、治療者である恩師から帰ってきた言葉は、

「これから出会う患者さんたちのことを考えてみて下さい。あなたからどれだけの人が援助を受けられるかを想像してみて下さい」

私は思わず目がうるんでしまいました。

その時に、私がどんなに過去の出来事で傷ついていたとしても、それで援助の手を緩めてはならない、と思いました。そのためにも、私は良くなれる部分は良くしたいし、始めて自分を大切にしたいと思いました。

PTSDの症状は本当にしんどいですが、私の中には絶対にゆずれない部分があることに気がつきました。少しでも役に立ちたいというココロは、ちゃんと消えずに残っていた。

昨日のことは、ずっと忘れないだろうと思います。

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