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配偶者は宇宙人:大人のADHD(3)

 ADHD(注意欠陥多動症候群)は、少し前までは主に子供に特有の発達障害として考えられていて、大人のADHDについては、専門書の中でも非常に限られた情報しか載せられていませんでした。しかし、その後、ADHDの症状自体が、発達と共に多少の変化はあるものの大人まで持ち越されるということが次第に分かってきたのと、それに時期を同じくして、ADHDを抱える大人たちが、自らの体験を本などで公表するようになり、その実態が段々と明らかになっています。

 私は、ADHDについては、あまりたくさんの本は読まないことにしていますが、大人の症状を理解する上でいくつか参考になった本というのがあります。

 「Interventions for ADHD: Treatment in Developmental Context」 は、発達別のガイダンスがある専門書で、大人のADHDで何が問題になるのか、というのがよく理解できる本です。(残念ながら日本語訳はないです)

 「へんてこな贈り物―誤解されやすいあなたに--注意欠陥・多動性障害とのつきあい方」(E.M.ハロウェル・J.J. レイティー著、司馬理英子訳:インターメディカル \2,000) は、医学的な情報などと共に、実生活における具体的な対応の仕方などについての助言があり、また具体例をあげてわかりやすく書いてあるので、ADHDの子供やパートナーを持つ人には役立ちそうな本です。

 この2冊に加えて、SOAAという、大人のADHDの会サイトには大人のADHDに関して基本的な情報が載せられています。

 そうやって、できる限りでまず情報を集めながら、さて私のところの宇宙人…じゃなくて配偶者への対応の仕方を探る試みが始まりました。

 ぴょろはどちらかというと素直に聞く子だし、若いから柔軟性もあって、やったことに対してはそれなりの成果というものがあったのですが、配偶者は柔軟性という点でも、素直さという点でも、子供と同じようなやり方を用いても反応がすごく悪いです。

 ある意味、「自分なりのスタイル」というのができあがっているんです。ですから、配偶者の行動をいまさら変えるのは多分無理だろう、という結論に達しました。

 そこで、「どうすれば無理せず、配偶者に振り回されず、うまくつきあっていけばいいのか」を考えました。

 配偶者の性格(これは次回のテーマかな?)を考慮した上で、今までやってみて比較的よかったと思えるのは、

 1)基本ルールの設定
 2)コーチング

の2つでした。

 基本ルールといっても、子供のように細かく決めませんが、「家族で共同生活する上で最低限のルール」だけは絶対に譲らないようにしようと思いました。

 例えば、前もって「○時に帰る」といって30分以上遅れた(しかも連絡なし)場合には、配偶者が帰るのを待たずにぴょろと2人で夕食をとるようにしました。以前はいらいらしながらも、配偶者の都合に合わせようとしていた時期があったのですが、今は「これだけは絶対にゆずれない」というルールについてはできる限り妥協をしないことにしました。

 ルール自体は、数も少ないです。本当に困ることだけ、です。

 できなかったときに「何で?」と相手を責めても無駄です。それよりは、「配偶者の行動のどこらへんで困っている」と伝えた方が建設的です。そこで取り入れたのがコーチング。

 もともとはビジネスで最近注目されている、コミュニケーションや仕事上の人間関係などをより改善する方法なのですが、この方法の一部を利用して、配偶者本人がどう考えて何をしたいのかを尊重することにしました。

 それまでは、この人のできない部分(忘れ物が多いとか、片づけが苦手とか)については、私が手を出しすぎていて、本人には注意はするけど具体的な改善策を提示するということがほとんどありませんでした。しかしよく考えてみると相手も「どうしたらいいか分からない」わけで、ただ「自分でどうにかしなさい」と注意して自分で考えて行動することはかなり難しいのです。何らかの方向性や具体的なヒントが必要なわけです。

 さて、この2つを取り入れてどうだったかというのは次回に。

 (まだ続く)


 

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