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がんばりすぎて疲れ果ててしまわないために(3)

 昨日の朝、久しぶりに体がしんどくて、子供を学校に送って帰ってきたあと、お昼近くまで寝てしまいました。

 その時に、小さかった時の夢を見て、はっと目を覚まして思わず携帯電話に手が。一瞬ですが、誰からも忘れ去られてしまっているような、ものすごい孤独感が襲ってきて、配偶者に電話をしようとしていたのです。

 たまたま近くにいた配偶者は、少しの時間だけ家に戻ってきてくれました。はっきりとした理由は言いませんでしたが、私の様子がちょっと違うと思ったのか、とにかく家族はいつも一緒だからね、と言い残して再び仕事へ。

 私にとってこの10数年は、虐待の記憶との戦いでした。

 子育てで味わう喜びよりも、子供を叱るたびに小さな自分の姿と重なり、自己嫌悪に陥る事の方がはるかに多かったし、親から受けた影響が、子供に及ぶことへの不安が大きく、親としての力のなさを感じることもしばしばでした。

 長い間、自分をどうにかして変えたい、という思っていました。何とかして、過去を断ち切って違う私として生きていきたいと…。大学院で心理学を学んだ理由の半分は、この答えを見つけるためだったと思います。心理の知識は、自分自身や周囲の人の状態を理解する上では役に立ったのですが、ひとたび身に付いて習慣となった考えや行動を変えるのは、頭で考えるほどはうまくはいかないという現実に何度もぶち当たることになりました。

 頭ではこうすればいい、と分かって出来なかったことは数限りなくありました。

 虐待の記憶と共に出てくる感情は、コントロール不可能に思えたこともありました。

 前向きにがんばろうとすると必ず、反対の出来事が起こるものです。私の個人的な事情を知る人からの裏切りも経験したし、同業者の中にはこういう問題を持ちながら心理士として仕事をすることに異論を唱える人もいました。そういう外部からの問題だけでなく、私の中にも「どうせうまくいかないんじゃないか」という見えない壁が。

 しかし、EMDR(眼球運動による脱感作と再処理)という治療を受けてから、段々と以前とは違った見方ができるようになりました。

 努力しても思うような結果が得られない時でも、できなかった自分に不満を持たなくなりました。

 早急に結果を求めることもやめました。時期が来るまで、待てるようになりました。

 やったことが必ずしも私が考えているような結果にならなくても、長い目で見てそれが私にとって最も必要なことである、と信じることができるようになりました。

 治療を受けたことで、「過去は変えられないが、そこからどう生きるかは自分で選べる」ということが分かったからです。

 「過去の虐待のせいでこうなった」という被害者意識を捨てるのは、かなり難しいことでしたが、私はこれを捨てることで、過去をこれからの人生にプラスに生かす方を選びたいと思いました。

 何で心理の仕事を選んだのか?と聞かれると今は「私のような人を一人でも少なくするため」と答えています。虐待の記憶は残り続けるだろうし、PTSDの症状も何らかの形で生涯残るだろうと思います。気分の浮き沈みがなくなることはないし、壁にぶち当たらずにこのまま順調にいけるとも思っていません。仕事以外では大いに疲れまくっている今でも、仕事をしている間は疲れを感じることも嫌だと思うこともなくやっていけるのは、この仕事が本当に好きであることと、私のような人間でも多少人の役に立てると思える瞬間があるからです。

 本当の「前向きな態度」とは何かをがんばって達成することとは少し違うと思います。転んでも、ぶつかって倒れてももう一度起きあがって、「また次からがんばろう」と思えるかどうか、もうこれ以上は進めないと思えるときに、あと一歩を踏み出せるかどうか、だと思います。(これは私が思いっきりへこんでいるときに、大学院の教授に言われた言葉)

 がんばりすぎて疲れ果ててしまわないためには、ほどよく楽天的であることも大切だと思います。自らがだめと思わない限りだめにはならないし、人生に無駄はないと思えるようになって、以前よりずっと毎日を楽しめるようになった気がします。辛いことでもずっと続くわけではないと考えられる自分が、ちょっと以外だったりします。

 

 

 

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